I Was Angry at My Baby
She was about 2 months old. She was safely tucked into her car seat and we were driving home from a short trip to the grocery store. It was warm outside and the windows of the car were open a bit.
When I put her in the car seat she was a bit fussy and I knew she would be ready to eat in just a little bit.
I buckled her in and jumped in the driver’s seat. Before we got out of the parking lot, her fussiness increased, and by the first traffic
With about 3 miles to go, it made sense to me to just get home where I could feed her more comfortably.
But as I continued driving and she continued crying, something was happening to me. It was like the rage of warriors going into battle was growing inside me. I could literally feel my blood start to boil.
I was so angry and worse, I was angry at my baby.
I felt like I was gonna explode. In fact, I did. The explosion came from deep down in the bottom of my body, mind, and spirit. The rage was so powerful and so intense.
I was stopped at a red light that was less than a quarter of a mile from my house. My baby was losing her mind and her cries were cutting through me like shards of glass.
Just before I erupted, I pressed the button on the window to move it up to the closed position and the second it hit the top of the door, I screamed with all my might; all my anger and all my rage. The words that came out were…
SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP!!!!
As soon as they left my lips, the anger subsided. It was like magic. The baby hadn’t stopped crying. The light hadn’t turned green. We had not arrived home.
I simply released it.
The people in the cars next to probably thought I was a lunatic… but I released those feelings and instantly felt better. I was ready to be her loving, compassionate mom again.
Now, here’s what you should know. I’d been feeling them coming since long before that incident. I hated that I was feeling them and I was too embarrassed to tell anyone. I didn’t think it was normal and yet somehow I thought it would just go away on it’s on.
Screaming those words and instantly feeling some relief, made me feel so sane.
I know that seems crazy that such a bizarre act would cause me to feel so normal, but it showed me that those feelings weren’t bigger than me, they were me.
I remember later that day telling a friend about the incident. She started laughing and when she did… I did too. She remembered feeling the same way when her baby was small and we connected over it. We bonded over sharing similar feelings and we agreed that every woman should have a friend that she could be so real with.
If you’ve had these feelings, I promise you, you are not alone. And you shouldn’t be if you feel like you are!
Authored by: The Rock n’ Roll Doulahttp://therocknrolldoula.com/epk/