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What’s Under Your Rug?

The proverbial rug…

We all intentionally as well as unintentionally sweep life’s challenges from time to time under the proverbial rug…

The small ones probably don’t matter much, but the big ones, the ones that have been swept there because of the pain, anguish, sorrow, anger, rage, etc. that they cause us, really do matter.

You see, they creep out when we least expect them to. They manifest themselves in other ways and they have tremendous impact on our relationships.

It’s almost a form of self-sabotage. Now, I have no psychology degree or anything of the sort, so this rant is exclusively self-assessed, my own thoughts and opinions, for whatever their worth…

I, over the past 45 years, have swept some shit under my rug. Ugly shit. Ugly feelings. Ugly thoughts.

I didn’t share them in depth with anyone, I just lifted the edge of my rug each time I began to think about them or feel them, got out my broom and gently swept them under there.

My goal? To keep them safe from me and me safe from them.

It’s weird… I don’t think I can fix these things and I’m not sure I would if I had the opportunity to, but they hurt me.

They make me feel sad.

They make me angry.

They make me want to do things and say things that aren’t true to the woman I pride myself on being.

They are old thoughts and feelings and they belong to this little girl who lives inside of me, that I constantly feel like I need to protect.

Not a little girl like in a multiple personality disorder kind of way, but in a “That used to be me” kind of way.  Can you relate to this? When the thoughts come up that made that little girl sad or scared or lonely, I get out the broom.

This is what it looks like… I watch tv, I read a book, I do something mind consuming and don’t want to be interrupted. I get irritable if I’m asked to do something or if someone wants to engage me. I lose my patience and I am totally consumed in NOTHINGNESS. It’s like I am intentionally being un-intentional. I know that ignoring myself and everyone around me for a period of time is what it takes to get those feelings back under the rug. I’m an expert at it, ya know…

BUT… what happens when there is no more room under the rug?! When you lift the corner and can’t sweep anymore under it.

When the space under the rug is overflowing with anger and sorrow and guilt and shame and self loathing and rage?!?! I’ll tell you what happens… you explode! You destroy relationships with people you care about. You build walls around yourself and you don’t let people all the way in. You hide yourself behind those walls and you don’t allow yourself to really enjoy things that are important!

On a side note… I am pretty sure that low libido stems from this for most women…

My goal with this post was to talk about some of the things that I sweep under my rug. My goal was to get completely honest with myself on the screen of this Mac and as I come to the close of my post this morning and re-read what I have written, I find myself looking for my broom and lifting that corner once again… I am getting closer but I must not be completely ready… 

It will come and I will write it.