Is Loving Your 2nd, Cheating On Your 1st?
I wanted a baby more than anything on Earth and was fortunate enough to have one. The second I laid eyes on her I knew we were one. The sun rose and set on this baby and I was madly in love with her (I still am). I looked at her with total fascination. If I could climb inside of her and see the world through her eyes I would have. I loved to share something new with her and watch her understand it. I talked to her and asked her opinion about things before the world or anyone in it had a chance to sway her in any direction. She was intuitive and unbelievably wise beyond her years. We were bonded like ET and Elliot.
And then it happened….
I got pregnant. Someone else was growing inside me. I was terrified! I loved Erica so much, I couldn’t imagine being able to love another person as much as I loved her and I wasn’t going to “cheat” on her with ANY other baby.
My solution…. Denial. Ignore it. Don’t think about it and maybe I won’t have to deal with it.
As you can imagine, that worked for about 40 weeks and then my labor began. I labored comfortably throughout the day and in the evening, Erica went to spend the night at Grammy’s. My labor hit the “go to the hospital mark”, 5-1-1. (contractions 5 minutes apart, lasting 1 minute for at least 1 hour) They “checked” me, I was 1cm dialated, they laughed at me and sent me home. A few hours later, I went back, I was fully dialated, terrified and I pushed my baby out. Retrospectively, a doula would have been a good idea… I’m just sayin’…
I was terrified, unprepared and that instant bond I felt with Erica… nowhere to be found. Baby Ty found her way to my breast and my breast met her need. All the usual stuff happened, they washed her, weighed her, measured her, vitamin K, eye ointment, etc… they gave her to me and I gave her to Jerry. How was I going to wrap my head around this? I was completely numb. I was sobbing inside and fake smiling outside. I felt so guilty and ashamed. I was embarrassed and I thought, how am I going to hide this from the world. A few hours later, Jerry left to go home and get Erica ready to come and see us.
There we were, Baby Ty and I, in the Hospital, alone in our room.
Jerry had swaddled her and laid her on the bed beside me before he left. She laid there quietly looking in my direction. I picked her up, smelled her and put her back down. (not sure why, it’s just what I did) she laid there for about 20 minutes (which seemed like a lifetime) and then with one hand, I unwrapped her swaddle blanket. I looked at her slowly and inquisitively and I mentally absorbed the moment. My heart began to melt and I began to cry. She was my daughter and I was her mother and we were one. I un-snapped that little girls t-shirt, pulled my arm out of my hospital gown and brought her to my breast. We stared at each other while she nursed and with my eyes I told her I was sorry and I begged her for forgiveness and with her eyes she gave it to me.