The Post Diet Binge
As many of you know, I have struggled with my weight for the majority of my adult life. I come from fat people. I know fat and I know the comfort that I associate with being around other fat people.
The weird thing is, I’m not fat. I don’t even think I’m fat. I just identify better with fat people. You’ve heard the expression, “I’m a skinny person in a fat person’s body”? Well, I have always felt like a fat person in a skinny person’s body.
My entire immediate family has suffered with obesity. As a child, I remember the sadness and disappointment associated with my family starting a “diet”. The whole family felt sad and disappointed. We knew it was temporary but it felt like a punishment.
My mother would announce that she and my dad were only eating cabbage soup (which meant no cookies or anything of the sort in the house). Next was no carbs. Later it was fat free. And so on and so forth.
These “diets” would last anywhere from 2 days to two weeks and then we would rejoice in the comfort of high carb, enormous fat content meals, fit for kings. You know, the post diet BINGE!
That’s what I want to talk about today. The mid or post diet binge.
I am committed (or sometimes think I should be…) to the things I set my mind to. By committed, I mean 110%! So, when I make a decision to start my own diet, I am focused. I can bake and not lick the spoon. I can scoop ice cream and not be tempted. I can even make a tray of homemade macaroni and cheese and eat a salad instead!
If I decide that I am taking a day off of that diet,,, ALL hell breaks loose. It’s like I am making up for lost time. I eat without hunger. I eat for taste and to feel engorged. I eat cheeseburgers, pizza and desserts as my preference but I also eat everything I can that I won’t be able to eat when I get back on my diet. Basically, I eat until it hurts and I have to sleep in order to recover.
That’s right, RECOVER. Our bodies require sleep when they need to recover. We should NEVER need to recover from eating food!
Am I alone in this? Is anyone else participating in this crazy and destructive behavior?
I’m pretty good about not beating myself up (too much) about it, but it really makes me wonder what the phrase “it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle change” means.
Is there a way to truly let go of this desire to satisfy… WAIT…. Not satisfy! There is NOTHING satisfying about binge eating. It’s embarrassing, it’s shameful, it causes upset digestive systems, it’s self-sabotaging and yet my instinct is to call it “satisfying”. What the fuck?!?!
I’ll start again… Is there a way to change this obsessive and destructive behavior?
I’m sure the word “BALANCE” is part of the answer… ugh! Another one of those things I struggle with…
Authored by: The Rock n’ Roll Doula