Food Does Not Equal Celebration
In the picture above, I am a size 18
!n real life, I am a size 8.
When I walk into a clothes store, I bring a size 12 into the dressing room….
IN MY MIND, I’m a size 12 and I always have been.
I come from a long line of obesity.
My mother, father and siblings… all obese.
Both my brother and my sister, in the last handful of years, have had weight loss surgery and I remember my parents trying but failing at every diet and weight loss gimmick ever invented.
From cabbage soup to Atkins to weird powders that you sprinkle on your food to trigger an “I’m full” response in your brain.
Food has always been a means of comfort in our family and a way to say I love you.
My parents (among other things…) were “eating buddies”. They enticed each other with talk of food, they co-signed each other’s bad choices and my dad was willing, at any time, day or night, to go on a food run! As a kid, that seemed awesome! All someone would have to do was mention ice cream or cookies and off he would go.
I learned some bad eating (and cooking) habits as a kid and brought those habits into my adult life.
I had no control when it came to food. If there was cake in the house, I thought about it until I ate it and an hour later, I was thinking about it again.
I was raised on the idea that “food equals celebration”. It’s your birthday, what do you want for dinner?, you got a good report card so let’s get ice cream. Food was never talked about as a means of nourishing your body. It was always about indulging.
Eat till you can’t move….
As a wife and a mom and the person in charge of feeding my people, I have struggled.
I have tried to tell my family I love them, with food, I have tried to comfort them with delicious snacks and I have also rewarded their efforts with ice cream. I know there is a place in the middle where food nourishes us and now and then we indulge but I have not found that place. I hate to exercise so if I am going to be of healthy weight, it will come from what I put in my body.
About 3 years ago, Debbie and I went to Weight Watchers. I had been there 100 times before, but this time…. It worked.
I lost 60 pounds. I ate nearly the same foods everyday at the same time every day.
I did it one day at a time, I held myself accountable and I sat in those awful Weight Watchers meetings every week. I had it down.
I thought any minute now, WW’s would approach me about being their spokes model (ok, well maybe I didn’t think that. Lol) but somehow, I think I made a mistake.
I have not learned how to nourish my body with food and occasionally indulge. Instead, I have done it the same way I do EVERYTHING! I am either all in OR all out! I either, eat 100 calories at a time throughout the day until I’ve used all my “points” OR I eat everything in sight all day until I feel disgusting!
I go to bed every night thinking about my weight and wake up every morning either excited to get on the scale OR ashamed about what I ate the day before…
So, I try. I just keep trying. I am up about 11 pounds right now but feeling very focused. I am feeling in control and that is encouraging.
I know that motivation is personal and I must continue to self motivate!
My biggest gift?
Somehow, to Jerry Patterson… I am a gorgeous, sexy swimsuit model at ANY size!
Authored by: The Rock n’ Roll Doula