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A Doula’s Husband; Becoming Self Aware

I consider myself a work in progress. I think we all need to be in order to grow and prosper as individuals and in our relationships.  Recently I am focused on being SELF AWARE.What do I mean by that?  

I am trying to be focused on being aware in my interactions with others.  Not necessarily the surface stuff of what was said.  I mean the substance of why it was said.  

What didn’t we say to each other, that I felt and I suspect “she” felt? 

Why? 

What was I protecting, and is it worth protecting? 

How did what “she” said make me feel? 

What do “her”  words and actions say about how “she” feels or thinks about me? 

And do my words and actions properly reflect how I feel about “her”? 

And most importantly, do I give a shit?  

I am learning a lot about myself (or at least admitting what I already knew deep down).  And as hard as it is to admit, I have some personality traits that sometimes can be relationship destructive.  Mostly they are about trying to avoid bad feelings.  When things get confrontational or ugly or even uncomfortable I don’t go out of my way or fight for the future of the relationship.  I am not ready to address why.  Honestly, I don’t know why.  But I also find myself actively not wanting to think about why…. I am no shrink, but sounds like there is something to that. 

For now, recognizing I do it, or more accurately don’t do it, is enough.

I have also grown more aware that in those relationships that do progress to that next level it is about trust. 

Those shields I insert to protect myself don’t come down easily…

For me to bring them down I have to totally trust the other person.  That trust must be earned.  The stuff I placed  behind the shields has been placed their for a reason!  I don’t want just anyone having it.  But at the same time, some of the stuff I have been protecting isn’t really that big a deal.  I have just been guarding it because I kind of always have and if I want to grow and prosper I need to start letting go of some of it.

Most of all, I am learning I do give a shit… sometimes… with some people… And when I do, I am trying to be focused on being AWARE and ACTING accordingly.

Authored by: KW, A Doula’s Husband