A day in the life....
The washing machines broken again, there’s a mountain of laundry, I didn’t make dinner and your mom is such a bitch. Welcome home…
These are just some of the things that I would bombard the love of my life with when he walked in the door at 6:00pm every day.
Jerry is a contractor, he builds houses. He works physically hard all day in all seasons including the dead of winter to support our family. He comes home tired, hungry and in need of a shower. But that didn’t matter to me. I was so consumed with my own shit that I couldn’t see past ME. With a toddler and a baby by my side from sun up to sun down, a home to keep, groceries to buy, laundry to do, etc.. I was completely losing myself. MY SELF! Do you understand me?!? I was losing MY SELF! I NEED my SELF. I had been building that self for a long time and while working hard to fight off that self to try and embrace this new self, I was pushing my partner/friend/lover/soul mate as far away as possible!
When I think back, I can’t remember what made ME happy. Not me as a momma, that me was thrilled to mother my children (mostly). It was me, the woman that was unhappy. Me, The Rock N’ Roll Doula! The competent, capable, productive, independent woman! I had turned into a complete bitch and was taking it all out on my husband. Not on purpose but certainly undeniably.
I feel sad writing this stuff because looking back, I can clearly see that I wasn’t unhappy, I was in complete and total transition. My mistake? I was looking to my friends for help. They were in the same exact complete and total transition. They couldn’t help me and I couldn’t help them, so instead, we bitched. We bitched about our husbands being at work and not having to wipe anyone’s ass or catch chewed up pretzels in the palm of their hands all day. We bitched about a lack of support. We bitched about sitting on the toilet with an audience of children. We bitched about cooking and cleaning and laundry. And worse, we bitched about our husbands wanting to make love to us at the end of the day!
What was I thinking?!?! It was the most unhealthy thing I could have done for myself. I was in a rut and instead of trying to claw my way out, I was hanging curtains in that rut to cozy it up.
What I needed to do was reach up! Yes, up. I was reaching across. I needed the influence of someone who was where I wanted to be. I needed a woman in my life that had been where I was and made it to where I am now. I needed ME! The 45 year old me.
I made it through those years and am so grateful to say, with my marriage intact, but it didn’t have to be that way. It could have been a whole lot easier. It was a challenging time and I wish I had a better understanding of myself during it.
So, my message today? Reach up! Put people in front of you who are where you want to be. Who think how you want to think and feel how you want to feel. I promise you that attitudes are contagious and we can catch a good one as easily as we catch a bad one!
Authored by: The Rock n' Roll Doula